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Monday, 22 June 2009

Wonder if ... Wonder if ... Wonder if .... Wonder if

I wonder if you really know how much I hurt inside.

I wonder if you get it at all.

I wonder if you really do realize how much I love you.

I wonder if you see through me like I feel you do.

I wonder if until I've put myself in a depression and everything inside of me says you don't know.

Friday, 22 May 2009

Understanding my grief ...

**My cousin Dana - Christopher's oldest sister - asked us to write about our thoughts on grief ... here's what I had to say ...**

A part of me has hesitated in responding because I don't want to sit down and start writing because I know I'll start crying. It's not that I don't want to cry, because it feels good to cry over his death - like the pain of losing him is being released every time I shed a tear - but because I barely have time to sit down *alone* and do so, and I don't like crying in front of people, lol.

When I think of that day it seems like such a strange day. My dad called and told me. He woke me up and I wasn't completely coherent, and honestly all it seemed like was Christopher was in the hospital, even though my brain did register that my dad said he died. I remember getting off the phone and asking myself why I wasn't crying, why it didn't hit me. I was with Josh and I told him and he asked me if I wanted him to stay home from work ... I told him no because I thought I was fine - still couldn't figure out why it wasn't affecting me ... as soon as he left, I broke down, I sat at his parent's house, alone, bawling my eyes out. I wanted to talk to someone - a family member - but didn't know who to call and ended up calling Kristin and breaking the news to her.

I got very angry with God because I couldn't grasp why He allowed this to happen. I was angry with myself because I didn't know if Christopher was a Christian and I felt like it was my fault if he wasn't because I never talked to him about God ... I never really talked to him in general - and that made me even more angry ... especially after getting to "know" him from the wake and funeral. That was a swift kick in my gut. This effected me in a lot of ways. I swore to myself that as long as I could help it, I wasn't going to let another family member slip through my fingers like he did. It took me a while to get over the pain and guilt from it though. It was comforting hearing he was a Christian at the funeral, but I still couldn't understand why God allowed it. Why him, why now? That caused me to have a very tumultuous next few months. One night I found myself bawling my eyes out in my bathroom and still another night bawling my eyes out in Josh's arms, both of these nights happened after I thought I had started to move on from my questions and grief, that I had started to accept God's plan and choices in this whole situation, only to realize I was still very angry with Him.

Looking back over the past few months though, it amazes me what God has done with this. It still hurts - a lot sometimes - but having my entire family be together like they are now is comforting. Being able to share Christopher in the ways I do - with the songs that remind me of him and the pictures of his I absolutely love - comfort the grief I feel. I know that I will always hurt for him for the rest of my life, but isn't that really how it should be? I don't ever want to lose the memory of him.

Friday, 24 April 2009

I wish I could make you see ...

but I can't ...

To say it's wrong to give up on God is a stupid statement because each and everyone of us has to go through a moment, or even multiple moments of doubt in order for our faith and for God to become real to us. I can't even begin to count how many times I gave up on God and His "rules and regulations" in high school. I can tell you vividly of the one time I told God to go screw Himself and prove Himself to me ... and how unworthy I was and undeserving of that proof that He did show me only a week or two later - and it wasn't even like something big, it was just a myriad of events that fell into place perfectly. And how from then on I kept seeing God working in my life and setting things perfectly into place. But this isn't about me ... this isn't really even about you ... because honestly in the end it's about God. Excuse me from getting preachy, but in the end it's about eternal assurance. It's about our choice of Him - or not Him.

I've lived life without hope in God and I don't ever want to go back to that.

An excerpt from my old xanga ... PenguinsNSuch4Me

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Quelqu'un ne veuillez pas d'être mon pingouin à étreindre s'il vous plaît et quand mon ange, flotter du ciel, quand j'ai besoin de lui plus ?

*won't someone please be my penguin to hug and where is my angel, floating down from heaven, when i need him the most?*

i've given up ... no sense in having belief in something that doesn't do me any good ...

i, of course, can't deny what has happened in my life, but I'm starting to feel that maybe it was not "God" it's just life

i've let go of any rope that i had once held onto b/c i need to start over in life, make new choices, figure out who I am and what I'm doing ...

for those of you that are now completely lost and are wondering what i believe here it is ... i do believe there is a God, however I don't believe He "helps" us to live our lives ... im not sure how much sense that makes, i'm trying to explain the best i can ... hmm let me try this ... i've given up faith that God does anything for anyone anymore ... its not Him, its us.

well anyways, in this, im going to close this Xanga down and start a new one, and let some of you know ... but for everyone else, thanks watchers ... and for the occasional comments.

g'bye
~**Cailín**~

From the new one I created to get away from watchers - this one before I revamped it ...

Thursday, December 09, 2004

10:00 PM

Public

Currently Playing
Undertow
By Tool
Sober
see related

I think i'm just torturing myself ... I shouldnt be focused on guys this year anyways ... ive got enough troubles as is ... but yet, I just can't help it ... maybe I should just take a vow of silence when it comes to them ... but could I really cut those friends out??

I really would like some peace ... I challenged God, I dunno if you can do that, but I did ... I want proof that He still cares for me, cuz it sure as heck doesn't feel like he does!

I think im gonna take a break from church ... see how that goes for me ...

what if its the little things I never notice that Gods sending to show me that He still cares?? how do I noe then? should I go back and re-evaluate the past few days??

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Friday, December 10, 2004

9:34 PM

Public

Currently Playing
Collide
By Skillet
see related

im just gonna type what I wrote in my journal today ... this is two entries mind u

since the entry from today relates back to the entry one month ago ... exactly, i'll put that entry up as well, so you aren't too lost

"Verse and Me" Nov. 12
Romans 5:1-11

After reading that passage I know just how far I've come. V. 3 says "not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings b/c we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." After all my suffering my perseverance continues to grow strong. Sophomore year I couldn't last one day of suffering, let alone a month! Now I can persevere b/c I know it will eventually get better. The character that I have produced from perseverance is shown by me being a counselor to my friends. I can help them by what I've learned and what has changed me. From character comes hope, I have learned to have hope that somehow, some way things will get better. Ok, that's my mini sermon ... for now. I'm better, I'm at peace with myself and God. I have no need to worry b/c I know God will work it all out for me. When the going gets tough, persevere. I need to remember that. W/o perseverance, there is no hope! Maybe I'll write under the stars! TTFN!

"Exactly 1 month later" Dec. 10

Funny how you can go from having peace with God to coming at a crossroads in your faith. I guess it happens to the best of us ... but what will I choose? Shall I continue to stick it out or give up all that I've ever known? That is where I am. What do I choose? Leaving would be taking the easy way out, but I dun't understand why I feel pain for doing the right thing. I know I can't be perfect, I know I can't do everything right, but the things I can control and make a decision on, shouldn't I make that right, do those right? Maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe I'm trying too hard ... is there a such thing? I guess, cuz I can get off track. But still ... am I too focused on not messing up that I've lost the deeper meaning? Have I become like the Pharisees? Tried to MAKE myself perfect? I'm not, I know I'm not, but I fear that I've done just that. I don't want to be like the Pharisees ... they were so far from the point, but I also don't want to mess up. So how do I go about this? Do I allow myself the internal pleasures of my heart and mess up or do I continue to strive for perfection. I have certain obligations (rite word?) to live up to and by doing this I could jeopardize (rite word?) them. I've got alot of thinking to do ... I know that ... alot of thinking.

"Just Another Day" Dec. 10

So I explained to Mike ... it felt good to have someone to listen to me w/o offering me answers ... but I need answers. I have to figure this out. It's driving me crazy ... but that's the thing, I dunno what to decide. Part of me feels like just giving this jig up and going back, but I'd feel like I had cheated myself out if I did that ... I can't help but think that once again this is all b/c of relationship crap. I know I've thought about this for a long time ... but me wanting a relationship I think is affecting this, and that seems dumb. But I can't help it. I'm sick of giving up my happiness for my beliefs, but if I didn't, well how strong are my beliefs ... and this is where I get hung up.

I got in my Bible today and read in Joel (in the old testament ... u noe, one of the obscure books no one talks about ... lol) Joel 2:13b-14 says "Return to the Lord your God, for he is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish. Who knows? Perhaps he will give you a reprieve, sending you a blessing instead of this curse."

if anything that just says to me that no matter what I CAN always turn back to God and He will accept me in His arms ... but if He's going to continually cause me to suffer to "draw me closer to Him" ... I don't want any of that crap ... i'm sry, but thats nonsense ... I should not have to feel these feelings as God tests me in order to be closer to Him ... surely He can find another way, if not, well then He's screwed the people He claims to "love" .... w/e that means ... psh

I am trying ... I am ... but nothing is helping me get back ... guess i'll sit here a while longer, maybe someday God will finally let me back in ... if not, well ... guess that means He really doesn't care that much for me ....

Jusqu'à la fois prochaine,
~**Cailín**~
"Le cœur est trompeur surtout"
Ayez un Jour de Pingouiny!

I know how it feels ... I've been there. But you grow and learn from it. The next entry explains the situation in which God proved Himself to me - but it's long and I fear I've probably already lost your interest - if not and you want to read it, I'll get it to you.

I guess the main point I want to make is just to never stop searching.

Thursday, 16 April 2009

College

Well, it's done ... I'm finished. Had my last class this morning and now I'm done.

Now to graduation ... April 28

Monday, 13 April 2009

The Passion of the Christ

"How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing"

The greatest act of love from Jesus before He died (aside from dying duh) was Him crying out to God to forgive them for what they were doing to Him. Have you forgiven your "enemy" today? I know I haven't and it's definitely put a new perspective in my life.
Jesus commanded us to "Love one another as I have loved you"

God no matter how many times I hear about the cross. No matter how many times I sit and watch the movie. I can never fully grasp Your love for me and why You'd want me ... but that only makes me want to strive for You harder. You are truly amazing.
I love You

Amen! Hallelujah! Amen!
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